Antisocial Behaviour
On days like this, I realise I’ve fallen into the trap again. I didn’t speak with my family for weeks. I didn’t reach out to friends to see how they are, and I didn’t think about it once over that period of time. It’s a huge part of me that I’ve always been conflicted with. I don’t feel like I need contact with people, and my head asks questions like? do you not care about them? the answer is yes, I do care about them, but I don’t feel the need or want, to speak to them regularly. Communication and contact with others is generally quite tiering for me. I need to regroup after interactions. I have a complicated relationship with my family, and I was abused by my stepfather as a child, mostly deep physiological torcher, but sometimes physically also. I know this heavily influences who I have become as an adult, though I don’t feel the need to apologise for that. If I were to have contact with my mother as she’d like,it would look something like this: me calling her everyday to catch up on another mostly mundane day, me feeling guilty that I didn’t speak to her long enough, or I wasn’t asking her the questions she’d like to hear, blah blah blah. I don’t see the need for this, so I don’t do it. She will set a call with me, then not call and I know that I’m expected to call her. I don’t call, because I don’t want to.
On the other hand, sometimes I’ve very social, but I’m also selective. On occasion I meet people in larger groups, though at other times, I don’t because I feel like I can’t deal with it at that particular time. This raises questions from those people, and naturally they feel they did something wrong. They didn’t, I just don’t want to meet in a bigger group. In my experience it’s difficult for people to understand that there’s no ulterior motive. I don’t explain myself to people, I simply follow what I need to do. Even if I went on these occasions, I wouldn’t be very good company anyway.
Today I’m going for a meal with a friend, who like me doesn’t drink. This will be a great meeting, and I’m really looking forward to it. Over the weekend, I will contact my family, check in with people, because I feel the tide turning and a more social time approaches. Sometime soon I will revert back to what I’ve already said here, and the cycle will continue.